I Need Some Sleep
by ttfan111robstar1
Summary: A different take on the real reason why Kaiba left after his duel with Yugi in the anime. Inspired by the song of the same name by Eels.


**Author's Note: So as a pretty great Tumblr Post has pointed out, the anime did a great disservice to Kaiba by cutting out his coma after his defeat by Yugi, and just saying that he went away and Mokuba got kidnapped during that time. So I decided to do a different take on it, because I did not believe for a second that Seto leaving was ****_only _****over a defeat by Yugi. And so, this came along. I hope you all enjoy it!**

_I lost._

The statement, so innocent, had torn apart his life. Most people, the ignorant ones who knew nothing about him other than his duel monsters championship and that he was the CEO of Kaiba Corp, assumed that he was angry that he lost a duel, and it was partly true, but that was not the real issue at hand. That was not what was eating him alive.

He thought he had failed his little brother.

All his life, his brother had looked to him for strength. He had prided himself on his ability to defeat any circumstance. But now, handed a defeat for the first time… He felt like such a failure. He had fought his entire life against losing. He had lost his parents, and fought orphanhood for himself and his brother and won. He had fought against his stepfather to become head of Kaiba Corp and won too. His life had been fraught with hardships, and he had bested every one of them, while his little brother looked on, proud of him. His entire life he had tried to be a role model for his brother, trying to show him that even in the worst of circumstances that he could triumph. But this… this had shaken him to his core. It had undermined everything he had come to believe about his life and himself.

So, that had led to tonight, where he had been awake all night, unable to sleep.

He glanced at the clock. Three in the morning. He would have to go to work in two hours. But could he do it? Could he honestly face the people who looked to him for strength and guidance if he couldn't even be that for his own brother? He felt awful as he mulled things over in his mind.

Him being handed a defeat by a virtual nobody like Yugi was bad enough. He had spent the first part of the evening dealing with that portion, and had quickly come to the conclusion that it was one lucky draw. But the way that his brother had looked afterward… those eyes were filled with such disbelief and fear and anguish. That look had destroyed him. His confidence, his pride, his brother's view of him as invincible, they were all shattered in that one look. Those eyes had haunted him, they were burned into his memory like they had been branded there. He was restless now, and got up from his bed, pacing the room. He was trying to outrun those eyes.

He couldn't of course. Wherever he went, the eyes followed. He realized fairly quickly that it wasn't working. Nothing was going to fix this, not while he was here. The demands of his job and seeing his brother when he knew that whenever he looked at him, he would see those eyes. Those horrifically disappointed eyes. He needed to get away from here… Go somewhere to think.

He was incredibly conflicted over this. Because for as many points that he could think of to go, there was another for him to stay. It went something like this:

_Mokuba needs you to stay here. But if you do stay and he sees you like this it will only hurt him more._

_You have to go and take care of yourself first. But how can you do that when you have a responsibility to take care of Mokuba?_

_You can't just leave your company to run itself. But you have employees who should be capable of doing that._

_You have to go. But you can't go._

And on and on and on.

Eventually he came to the conclusion that he wasn't going to win either way. If he left he may hurt his brother, but if he stayed he might hurt Mokuba and himself too. The reasons to go were just barely tipping the scales. But it was enough. He had to do it. He had to go. He just couldn't make himself stay here with the constant air of failure around him. He had to get away. But he had to plan first.

He went over to his desk and began to write a letter.

_Dear Mokuba,_

_I have to go. I don't know where I'm going, or how long I will be gone, but I have to go. I don't want to go or leave you, but I cannot stay here right now. Everywhere I look I see my failure. I wish I could take you with me. I know you want to come. I understand you want to be with me through anything. But I have to do this on my own. I need to figure some things out, and you know better than anyone that I have to work through this on my own._

_I'm sorry, Mokuba. I don't want to leave you or have you clean up my mess, but I don't feel I have a choice. I cannot lose you, and I'm afraid that if I stayed, that is exactly what might happen. I never want to take my failings out on you, but with how I am at this point, I am afraid that is exactly what I would do. I don't want to lash out at you, and if I hurt you that way I don't think I would ever forgive myself. Unfortunately, I would still have to do that anyways to leave, and I'm sorry. I just want to stop living in the regrets I have right now, and I cannot do that while I'm here. But I never regretted a moment with you. I want you to remember that while I'm gone._

_You're important to me, Mokuba. And I cannot stand to know that I have hurt you by doing this, but if I stayed I think I would hurt you even more. For you to see me this way and not being able to fix it… I know enough to know that it would be worse for you than a short time without being near each other. So I wanted to write you this letter so you would have something from me to hold onto until I get back. And because you have your locket, you have me right there. _

_I'll be back as soon as I can._

_-Seto_

He studied the letter, and once he decided it was good enough, he folded it and wrote Mokuba's name on the back. He sent an email with instructions to his employees on what to do. Then, he took a shower and dressed before he packed. He brought clothes, a cell phone, his dueling deck, and his wallet. When his suitcase was packed, he carried it outside the door, and put it down in the hall. Then, he walked to Mokuba's room.

His brother was asleep. It was only four fifteen in the morning by now. He went over to his brother and planted an uncharacteristic kiss on his forehead. Mokuba opened his eyes.

"Seto?"

"I'm leaving, Mokuba. I don't know when I'll be back. But I have to go." He said. "I just wanted to say goodbye."

"Leaving?" He repeated incredulously. "Where are you going?"

"I don't know yet. But I need to go." He said, and handed him the letter. "This is for you. I tried to give you some explanation. I just couldn't find the right words out loud."

Mokuba nodded. "Will you-?"

"I'll call and say goodnight. Wherever I am."

"Okay." Mokuba tried not to be despondent, but it was hard, and he wrapped his brother in a hug. Seto, craving the contact because he knew he would be missing it sorely in his time away, returned the hug and held on for a long time. Then, reluctantly, he let go.

"I sent emails to the company about what to do. Don't worry about that part. Just listen to Roland, go to school, do your homework, eat your vegetables, and get to bed on time. Okay? I'm counting on you."

Mokuba nodded determinedly. "I won't let you down!"

_You never do. _He thought to himself. "I know."

"See you soon, Seto."

"See you soon, Mokuba."

Mokuba laid back down, and Seto went to the hall. He picked up the suitcase he had left in the hall. He grabbed it, and went to the garage. He could have taken a limo, or a town car. He chose not to. He got into a black car, a four door sedan that was the most inconspicuous of the cars they owned. He put his briefcase on the seat, and started up the car, opened the garage, and pulled out of the long driveway.

The Manor soon grew to be a speck in the rearview mirror. The skyscrapers that made up Domino City flew by him in a shining blur. He passed by Kaiba Corp, and looked to it, saying farewell for now. In the cover of darkness, he drove through the city, passing the skyscrapers, the pier, and finally the outskirts of it until he was away. The sun was beginning to rise by that point, and he kept driving on, only stopping for gas. He had no idea where he was going. He turned when it seemed appropriate, drove straight on for stretches of time, and kept going. He did not know that he had a destination in mind. But by the time the sun had set that day and his exhaustion had set in so deeply he could feel it in his bones, he had arrived.

It was a small resort. One with a large pool and hotel. He checked in, and got a regular suite rather than a penthouse as he normally would on a business trip. He received his key. Room 314. The number made him smile. It was the same as before.

When he was eight, and Mokuba had been three, his parents had taken them on a vacation. They had stayed here, only for two days. The resort had been discounted at the time, so they could afford it. It was hard to remember a time where he had no money as he had now become accustomed to, but this memory came back to him like a wave on the shore. He set his briefcase down and sat upon the bed. He looked around the room. Nothing had changed since that time, and it brought a pinch of nostalgia to him. He used his cell phone to tell Mokuba goodnight, since he intended to go to bed now, and then hung up, throwing his jacket on a chair, kicking off his shoes at the same time, and crawling into bed.

He slept more deeply and longer than he had in years. When he finally woke, he wasn't sure what time it was. The sun was up, so he knew that it had to be daytime. But what day? He looked at his cell phone. It was the next day, one o'clock in the afternoon. He had slept for about seventeen hours. At first he was fairly ashamed of himself for it, but considering that he had not slept for forty eight hours, and suffered some trauma during them, he decided to give himself a break.

He then began thinking about everything that had happened, and specifically why he had come here, of all places. He had had no destination in mind, so then perhaps his heart had taken him here instead. But why? To remind him of where he had come from? To ground him in his roots? He wasn't all too sure. So he mused on it for quite some time, and came to the eventual conclusion that perhaps he had come here because it was a place away from his image. Here he was not Seto Kaiba, dueling champion or CEO of Kaiba Corp. Here he was just Seto. Like he had been when he had first came. He needed a place away from all of that to sort through everything.

And so, he began the long and arduous process of doing just that. He thought of how he had been defeated, and how that had affected him. He still held to his conclusion from the day he left that Yugi had just drawn one lucky card. That part he was certain of. But just what had that meant to him? He thought about it. Being defeated by Yugi had caused him to reevaluate everything he knew about himself. If a nobody like Yugi could defeat him, then what else had he gotten wrong? He knew enough to know that he was still a proficient businessman and head of the company. That part did not bother him. He thought about the kind of person he had become since Gozaburo. His emotions had been even more distant, and he closed off. Mokuba was the only one who could break through that wall. He had been cold and calculating with everyone else. But that is how the game was played. Wasn't it? That was how you got ahead in life. At least, that's what I had told himself.

And then, there was Mokuba. He feared that in his losing, he had unintentionally destroyed his little brother. He had made himself look weak in being defeated. He had broken his brother's heart in the process, and the guilt he felt over all of that was crushing. It was worse than the pain that had happened during the time Gozaburo had broken his arm as a child, twisting it in a spiral fracture that required a cast. He knew that eventually, that pain would end. But would this? Would this overwhelming and all-consuming guilt always be there in the back of his mind to haunt him? He hoped not, but he also knew that hope in itself was foolish. Hope was like wishing. And wishes rarely came true. He knew that for a fact.

Mokuba was what haunted him the most in his time there. It had taken him days of mulling, and brooding and overthinking for him to understand that he had not destroyed his little brother. He had lost so much in his life. But he had not lost him. He had, rather, lost himself. He realized in that instant that he had come here because this was a place before he had had any losses, or any wins. It was a neutral place. A place to rebuild himself. He imagined everything about himself slipping away, until there was a blank slate. A state of nothingness on which he could rebuild who he was. And so, he did that.

The part that had not left during that slate clearing was his unending and enduring love for Mokuba. And it was upon that foundation that he built himself. He added the corporate CEO, but with a bit less fondness for crushing companies in his path. He channeled that excess into his love of gaming, and vowing to himself to one day reclaim his title as champion and defeat Yugi. And then there were the other parts. The lover of technology, the innovative genius, the unyielding competitor, the strong willed man.

It took him about two weeks to put himself together again. Every day after that first one, he found another piece of himself. The last two days of those two weeks, after he had been put together, he spent trying to teach himself how to relax. He thought it would become handy for him later, after corporate takeovers or long days. Maybe it would be as good for him as getting Physical affection from Mokuba. He had still called Mokuba every night to say goodnight, and every night except for the last one, he had gotten an answer. However, Mokuba had told him about a significant math test the night before, so he entertained the idea that he might have fallen asleep.

That night, he packed everything up to go back to Domino the next day. He spent one more peaceful night sleeping, and then, the next morning, he headed back. He packed up his car, and he drove all morning, only stopping for gas. He didn't eat anything until noon, and even then it was quick. He wanted to get home and see his brother. By the sunset, he was back. He had gone to his supercomputer that was kept near him, and asked it what had happened since he left. And then, the follow up question.

"Where is Mokuba?"

And that's when he found out Mokuba was missing, and that Pegasus had taken him. And he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Pegasus would pay for what he had done. But he had to prepare.

That's how Pegasus' goons found him the next day, before he jumped out the window.


End file.
